This $20 bill can be yours for ONLY $35!

People will buy anything. The longer I live, the more apparent this becomes to me. Last week I took care of a friend’s dog while he was out of town. While Bruce hung out in the back yard crapping and lying in the sun, I tried to find something to watch on TV. I stumbled on an infomercial that provided more evidence that yes, people will buy anything.

Some idiot was offering me the chance to purchase his guide to getting rich using eBay. I was intrigued, especially by the amazing testimonials.

”I found this shirt in a thrift store for $1. I sold it on eBay for $55! Thanks.”

Outstanding. Really tremendous stuff. This guy should be teaching a course at Harvard. The government should enlist his help in erasing our huge national deficit. He obviously has a grasp on financial matters well beyond your average American.

And talk about a generous sort, too. He could have kept this invaluable knowledge to himself, getting rich beyond anyone’s wildest dreams. But did he? NO! He chose to share it with the world, giving us all a chance to turn our lives around and drive BMWs instead of Dusters. And for only $39.99. What a bargain!

I still can’t believe I passed up such a great opportunity.

Seriously, though, this guy was a tool. But at least he found a way out of his mom’s basement. The real fools are the ones who send him their cash for his guide to getting rich on eBay. Let me save you the trouble, dipshit.

Step 1: Find something for free or dirt cheap, try looking in your attic, your closet, a thrift store or garage sale, and take possession.
Step 2: Sell it on eBay for a much higher price.
Step 3: Repeat until you have all the money you need to move out of mom’s basement, pay for a high priced call-girl, and lose your virginity in the back seat of your new BMW 700 series sedan.
Step 4: Apologize to the world for ever existing.

Also, please see “You’ll never be rich” for more on why you shouldn’t send this twerp $40 for his guide to getting rich on eBay. Mohalo.

Mr. and Mrs. Exxon, your table is ready.

Corporations are not people. Let's get that straight. I am amused by my friends who argue for the "rights of corporations." We need to clarify something here - corporations only exist because The People allow them to exist. The same people who talk about the Founding Fathers and upholding the Constitution apparently missed the day in history class when they discussed the FFs distrust of corporations. Why do you think corporations are licensed and examined by the state? Because The People want to make sure that corporations are not abusing the people they are allowed to serve.

The Founding Fathers were not idiots, people. They understood and could see the real risk posed by a nation run for and by corporate interests (see "Fascism"). We are often reminded of our duty to stay involved, speak up, vote; but we must not forget to keep an eye on the corporations who want so desperately for us to buy their products and support their bottom line. It is our duty to remind them every once in a while of who is really in charge here. Let us not take lightly that duty or we will surely suffer great consequences. Mohalo.

You'll Never be Rich

The middle class has been a great defense for the fascists for quite some time. Too bad that it's disappearing. The right wing (I won't say "Republicans" because there is some division in the party on this issue) loves to accuse Democrats of class warfare whenever the Ds talk about taxing the absurdly wealthy. And the right wingers know they have the ears of the middle class - the buffer class I like to call them. The buffers like to believe that they, too, will be wealthy some day.

The world of middle management is kept silent by the hope that by working hard and keeping quiet they will move up the ladder. The buffers acquiesce to the abuses and and the punishment for fear that speaking up will deprive them of their future wealth. One day they will be poised to take over the company - earning them a high six figure salary, stock options, use of the private jet - but then someone will ask about a moment of truth when the buffer broke the "Be Nice" rule and asked too many questions of an authority figure. "Sorry, Mr. or Mrs. Buffer. We're pretty sure the board of directors would approve of such behavior."

Somewhere along the road we took a seriously wrong turn. Why is it that those who embrace the Constitution and use it daily are called "unAmerican," "unpatriotic" and "dangerous." What is dangerous is allowing yourself to believe that the Constitution is only a piece of paper, and that democracy is someone else's responsibility.

You're not going to be rich. It's much more likely that you will be poor. Foreclosures and bankruptcies are on the rise and the rules are not in your favor, pally.

It's nice to dream about winning the lottery or being left millions of dollars by a relative you never knew you had. But you should spend more time thinking about what you will do when your job gets downsized or shipped out of the ol' USofA. Try putting together a plan for squeaking by when the medical bills come out of nowhere at 100mph and jump the median, slamming into your life. This is the reality.

Someone you know will need childcare. Someone you love will have trouble paying their medical bills. A student with amazing potential will not be able to afford college. A grandmother with a heart of gold will lose her home and have nowhere to go. And you will not be rich. You will not be able to help. And when you think about what went wrong, be sure to ask yourself, "Was I a buffer?"

Mohalo.

The pensive doctor 

The Disease of Commerce

Over the weekend I had to stop and put some petrol in the car. It's an ordinary activity, nothing special or unique about it. It's something we all do at some point. And most of us even pay for the gas. Which is exactly what I did. I walked up to the counter, stated my pump number, and pulled out my cash. That's when things changed. The dude behind the counter asked, "Would you like any coffee or a roll with your gas?" WHAT!? Did I hear that correctly? Did this asshole just try an upsale with my gas? Have we gone that far? Have things gotten this bad? Coffee or a roll with my gas? I even asked the guy to repeat himself just to be sure I heard him correctly. "Would you like any coffee or a roll with your gas?" Yeah, I hadn't imagined it, I was the victim of an upsale attempt while buying gas. God forbid someone miss a chance to get another dime out of my pocket. Why can we no longer just buy gas? I'm sick and tired of all this convenience. Humans are stupid and lazy to begin with, we don't need any more help in that department.

That is all.